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Dont blush when I rip you open
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| Shucks |
[06 Nov 2004|10:01am] |
Well, I dont really know how to tell my mom I m pregnant... and I am kinda alone on that. Christian is sleeping though, I would really like her to know. I woke up this morning and I was going to go right to her and explain... but I chickened out. I mean I am not scared to tell her persay, rather having to tell my father who wouldnt know rationality if it fell on his head. I need something to kill the time until I can talk to her alone... so Ill post a picture of POE
*Poe*
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| The Le Tigre Show... |
[02 Nov 2004|04:33am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 wishful thinking |
] |
| [ |
music |
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stupid cosby show marathon |
] |
Well, I did write when I got back and in fact, I havent really had time to report back what happened. Well Christian and I got there really early. We didnt really know what to do so we walked around town for awhile. When time finally arrived for the show we made our way back into this strange building, which come to find out was an old church tht had been redecorated. We were one of the first people to arrive. We sat on one of the side benches and waited for the first show. While we sat there, The stars poured out... well We were star struck anyways (I know Ill get shit for SOMETHING I write in this post) first we saw Jo walking down the street on her cell phone. Then we saw JD come out into the crowd quite a few times. Kathleen came out on stage first to get a tape from the mixer, I almost peed myself. More and more people started to pack in until we became sardines. Kathleen walked out from backstage and looked right at us both of us froze. We wanted to in the worst way, talk to her. But like the pussies we are we just sat in awe. So anyways, the show finally started with Breaker Breaker (little did we know we actually were walking amongst them also.. We both instantly fell in love. If I would have had cash on me I totally would have bought the album. We were in the first row next to the speaker so I could feel the vibrations through my body. At first it was pretty dead, no one was really dancing or anything...so okay. During the break between them and the next band we sat down again. And Gravy Train came on. We thought...oh well I dont know who they are and I am pregnant and exhuasted so we were going to sit down for that show, until the first notes came out... it was unlike anything I'd ever heard we both looked at eachother and stood up to see why everyone was screaming and dancing. It was so awesome They really rocked it was like hard funk the dancing was great, the music was great, the persona. It was more of a party than a show. So we danced and had fun, until the break before Le Tigre came on. So we mde our way up front as far as we could go. We were really close, but people kept pushing in front of us, but we were still close. Gloria Stienem was the one to introduce them and she gave a speech, like she is so good at, and it was moving. From the very beginning to the end it was so packed with excitement I couldnt help but scream and dance.
It was like nothing I had ever seen. I couldnt believe that I was really there I felt like I belong, finally. Okay so thats pretty much the condensed story. now ridicule me.
I have been to few show, so it was cool for me. Im not as cool as some people who see them all the time. I had fun, it was moving it was exciting and it made my year.
So those are a few pictures from the show. It takes to long to uplod them all.
Bye.
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| ohhhhh the fucking agony |
[27 Oct 2004|06:36am] |
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mood |
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 ewwwww pepto |
] |
| [ |
music |
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My own angony |
] |
I am sicker than sick right now, and I feel like shit. I am so sick to my stomach. I am drinking pepto bismol, like im a fish. ewwww I hate the taste of it. Tonight is the Le Tigre concert, I hope I feel better... if not I don't know what I am gonna do. I am all right as long as I don't move around to much... that's gonna be hard to dance I presume. damn. Well, I guess I deserve it...unprotected sex n all....If only I could get the sickness away for a minute, I don't think ill go mad.
on to other subjects... There is a Democratic rally being held this Saturday which I would love to attend. I just need to be not sick. Okay I am not a Democrat but I am a Kerry supporter in this Election because I mean common'.... look who is running against him. Actually I have a good feeling about Kerry....Demi or not. I think hes a good guy. But done mix your politics with pleasure as they say, like mixing state with religion. Although that was broken quickly. This year Holloween is being held on November 1st kids, so we can confuse the little witch hats off of you. I live in the fucking buckle of the bible belt. and because Holloween is on Sunday this year, they decided that to "worship Satan on Christ's day is UN Christian and UN constitutional"...*end of hick speak* I didn't know that your religion came before all other religions... paaaaaaaardon me Billy bob. THAT my friends is UNCONSTITUTIONAL I cannot and will not rest until everyone one of these slime teeth, bare back inbreed knuckle biting, sister fucking, cow tippin, moonshine drinking, father sucking, Jeff Foxworthy lovin, red neck ASSHOLES are dismantled and taken down like the poor slop of shit they are. I am pissed to no end. That is MY religious Holiday okay? its not fucking negotiable. I am have to take a shower now I feel scummy. bye.
Love,
Kat
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| You poisionous Vine.... |
[26 Oct 2004|03:58am] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
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music |
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Animal Crossing jabber |
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Christian and I have decided ultimatley on an abortion. I think its the right thing to do now. Atleast for now. I am far to young for that kind of responsibility. I was thinking and I will be 28 and have an almost 10 year old child to watch... I mean I will lose my whole 20's... not trying to be selfish. I just dont want to regret it, and possibly take it out on a child. I mean, I wouldnt try to, but honestly, those things happen. Also we want to be married first, we want our Autum wedding. and we want some more us time before we include a child in our lives. Also its not really fair to a child to not have sufficant living quarter, not to mention clothing, food and toys, health care and whatnot. My head finally cleared.
Right now I am talking to an old friend from School, and I forgot how cool he was. We speakof nights of shnannagans and whatnot. Hes engaged now and going to be a teacher. I am happy for him. this kind of helped me in a good way. Thanks Josh
and thank you Christian for letting me walk on ice the thickness of my own choosing... okay I stole that. I love you Christian. :)
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| Not sure what to think.... |
[23 Oct 2004|04:59am] |
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mood |
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 Kinda... I dunno |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The sound of Bush supporters, uggggggh |
] |
So it has been confirmed, it is... it is true. The feeling of a small bean within my womb has been proven true. I am pregnant. I am not quite scared, but not quite happy either. I am numb... I don't know where to go now. Christian bought a pregnancy test earlier (well yesterday, to be exact), Already we both knew. I am still kind of in shock, I don't think it actually has sunk in yet. We are going to Planned Parenthood soon perhaps tomorrow, or Monday. We will decide what to do from there.
The cons of keeping the baby, would obviously be money issues, although I do believe it could work out very well, because I can do astronomical things when I am clearly motivated, and Christian too. So I think we are swaying more toward ABORTION. yes abortion I said the horrid word. And yes I will do it, if it comes down to it. though, we are not quite sure yet. I guess this is some kind of shock, and weird, not only because im pregnant...but this is my first post in such a long time and its quite a big deal, for a post.
I am watching Fox news right now and of course they are discussing how much they are not bias, and then speaking of the great accomplishments of Mr. Jackoff BUSH. Oh if I have to hear how wonderful he is anymore I will go mad. He is he most shitheaded president ever...well except for his daddy, who actually still is president. People are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo stubborn and sometimes really retarded. Especially when things are scientifically proven, yet its a lie. There are documents proving foul play, yet it is all propaganda.... you know what propaganda is? Its when our president is hated by the masses in the first election, but still wins, when we have a terrorist attack on our country and we go fight the wrong country but its justifiable, because we got Hussein out, and now millions of people are "liberated" no no, thousands of MEN are "liberated" oh oh but the women can vote now....as long as you have written permission from a male. when people love Courtney Love and say Tresa Hienz Kerry should not take part in a political Champaign because she's to outspoken, when everything you know, hear and bleed is a lie.
well I am dillusional, and I cant think straight right now so I am going to sleep and hopefully something can trigger me to do something...goodnight.
CUT OFF MY REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS AND ILL CUT OFF YOURS.
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| icky juice |
[31 Jan 2004|03:02am] |
im no fun, im an ugly chum and im bored and my eyes hurt and im complaining
i hate this jonal sometimes.... its alot of bulshit and masking and the late may part really take me back.... and it pissing me off to think about it. But ill but this self hate to positive attribution now...byie
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| here we are now, entertain us... |
[14 Aug 2003|04:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 determined |
] |
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music |
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this fucking song by The Bare naked ladies, chinese chicken? |
] |
Ok so here I am, at Christian's house. I am "living" here for the time being because i couldnt stand the pressures of living at home anymore, and being away from him. So i am feeling pretty good right now. Its good to know you always have someone right there when you need them. Thank God for him. Its so fucking mushy, ok whatever all I know is that no matter what happens, i still think this is one of my better choices. I hope that we can afford an apartment soon. I want to start a new life. one that doesnt consist of the male/female roles, and one where i am allowed to think for myself, and be myself. I just feel so restless all of the time no matter what i do. I am hoping my medication will make it better but i dont know. Lucifer seems to like it alot better here, shes not confined to one little space. and shes allowed to run around and watch pornos....and us. ;) I need direction in my life. I have no idea what i want to be or where i want to go...but i feel time slipping and i have to do something soon. so help me Goddess.
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[27 Jul 2003|01:55am] |
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU
ill see you today...bye!
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| this thrilled me! |
[04 Jul 2003|06:40am] |
| Hey | It's hard to get to know you, but once people do, they're in for a wild ride. You had a rough childhood, and it reflects in your speech and mannerisms- you're focused on things like whores and crack babies, which fascinates people at first but may ultimately drive them away. Despite your somewhat depraved outward persona, you're a truly decent person who craves and deserves love and friendships. |
Which Pixies song are you?</center>
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| My Bad Habits |
[02 Jul 2003|09:12pm] |
1. Smoking
2. Letting people take advantage of me
3. Violence
4. letting my nail polish peel
5. Getting Sucked into various traps
6. Crying
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| Baby Doll |
[02 Jul 2003|08:41pm] |
Baby...
Black Black Black, is all you see
Dont you want... to be free?
Baby...
Red Red Red Fire, is what you breath
Dont you want... to be clean?
Honey,
The shape you're in... years worth every tear you spent?
Baby...doll
Turn out the lights
Set your self on fire, say goodnight
Did you have a real good time?
Baby...
Black Black Black is all you see
Dont you want to be free?
Baby...Doll
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[28 Jun 2003|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
] |
I am plauged by reaccuring Nightmares, Maybe I was a witch in the past and was executed by Christians....Ive had several dreams of the Colonial times, and people saying "Burn the witch" and such. I dont know...Its crazy. My parents have been gone all day. I wish I knew where they went...but they dont seem to ever let me know. I guess thats all I deserve to know. I have called repeatedly and no answer.... Fuck it. I dont know whats going on.
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| Lonely Painsssssssssss |
[23 Jun 2003|08:18pm] |
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This is torture! ...I say equivalent to the Chinese water kind.
-Crystian(cause im crying right)
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| almost home |
[14 Jun 2003|09:17am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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I almost don't know how to describe what im feeling right now. I feel so damned happy:D...i really think things will be OK today. Despite what she thinks, she is so selfless, and giving. She is what I've dreamed about. I feel a bond with her that I did not know was possible. It feels incredible, I dunno, IM tired, so IM gonna stop now. I Love her so much.
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| Christian |
[10 Jun 2003|02:07pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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GOOD LUCK SWEETHEART, I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU
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| Mothman |
[09 Jun 2003|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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music |
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Angry Jonny |
] |
I got back from camping last night it wasnt as bad as I thought it would be. We camped out where the Moth Man Prophecies took place. We heard some history about it, that was not in the movie, it was really interesting to say the least. There was a Celtic festival but my mother wouldnt go. And that sucks atleast i got to be around people. I flew kites with thier Daughter, Mikayla...Her innocents made me miss my own childhood, she was such a sweet little girl, we made Daisy chains and window prints.
so i had fun :) thank God, i would deffinitly do it again. I couldnt find postcards anywhere, and I really wanted to because I thought how cool would it be to send postcards to people from Point Pleasant! yeah so anyways, I think ive reached a new level with Christian...I dont want to be away from him. I love him...in the most bitter light, true.
another one of my poems has been chosen to be published into a book named "Eternal Portraits" so thats kinda motivation to pursue something other than failure.
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[06 Jun 2003|02:50pm] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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somebody help me, im dying
*alert* attention seeker:(
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| Sugary Doll |
[05 Jun 2003|12:48pm] |
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mood |
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 optimistic |
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music |
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her melodies from last nigh *love sigh* |
] |
When it's just me and her, it's like nothing else matters. I feel inner peace, while at the same time, sharing a bond of that same comfort and understanding with her. I feel connected again. She breathed life in to my gasping heart. Sometimes I know what she's going to say, before she says it. I just feel I understand her. And it amazes me how much we seem to have in common and share the same ideals, and passions, despite apparently being opposites. Maybe, in some ways we are... but when we come together, and again in person, it;s like a union of one being, and it's beautiful. I am so happy about the prospects of our blossoming relationship. I feel like I have been making positive progress, and I seem more optimistic. And that MUST say something, because I have been nothing but the quintessential pessimist for the last 4 years. So, I feel overall really relieved. She seems to have such compassion ... she seems to have excepted me, despite what ive become. Thank God I'm getting better, and that God for that because, its saving my life ... and, I want it to be a sort of present to her. If I am capable, I feel like I can do ANYTHING, and I will be able to take care of her, and we can live a fun, happy adventurous life together. I feel happier... I want to make her happy. I know i can do that. I Love her so much, I want to give her the world ... hold her forever.
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[02 Jun 2003|10:35pm] |
I am so bummed...
sometimes,im terrified of my heart...
Of its constant hunger
For whatever it wants...
Sometimes,
im terrified of my heart
The way it stops
....and starts
I need friends. like true friends. Looking through this Journal and many others, it occured to me i cant say things like "Well so me and Jordan, or me and Lisa, Betty sue, billy bob (WHATEVER!) decided to go driving down by the lake where a headless corpes stole our car and gobbled speed (with no mouth that might be a little hard to accomplish) while flooring it through the forest of the thick black night, the scent of pine still burns my nose when i think about it" stuff like that.It really depresses me, and i wish and pray to (a) God that Someone can take me from this mess of mine. I cant seem to make friends (I need all i can get)...I wanna be a girl with friends damnit!
I envy those girls with the braclets up to thier elbows, the ones that are loud and abnoxious, (I just feel akward) those girls who meet the band and hang out with them (NOT A FUCKING GROUPIE) and have like a jillion friends. all of which proudly invite her everywhere, my phone should be ringing off the hook, but its not and im alone, again. I should be out there having fun and enjoying life. but no one wants me to tag along im a big stupid moron that everyone tries to avoid. please see the real me. If you read this, You will judge.
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| Soggy Coca Pebbles |
[02 Jun 2003|10:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Raven~Kittie |
] |
I havent written in here for awhile. Nothing really has happened to mark a well defined period of my life. I got Roses from Christian...thats the most important thing. I loved them they were beautiful. Im not quite sure what im feeling right now. I have a bunch of emotions wrestleing around inside my cold steel heart. I am depressed, I know that much. I am a little scared. I am restless beyond words. I am aggitated. I am about 2 seconds from loosing my mind. I am playing this game with myself...called "lets stay sane for one more day" I do believe that I am loosing horribly...the side that WANTS to stay sane. It seems like my mother has taken another turn, now she is being nicer than ever before. But it still isnt right. now its the other extream, she wants to keep me in mary janes, dresses and ribbons, forever. I cant stand that either, but atleast i have someone who cares...a little.
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